“The learn’d, the wise, the grave, the gay
in its embraces take delight;
‘tho hid, they adore it in the day
and often kneel to it at night.”
— Edward Ward, The Dutch Riddle, circa 1700.
I’m going to speak to all the gents
who might lack some experience;
but this advice is also good
for most dames, in all likelihood.
Cunnilingus is the best
so give that phallic push a rest;
the old cliché of chaps well-hung
falls short compared to a long tongue.
You’ll want an organ with good taste
when traveling below the waist;
in faith, no lady wants a poke
since licking’s better to invoke.
Forsooth, this proves more popular
if you would really happy her;
for, troth, the pleasure palace likes
some soft caresses, not crass strikes.
The nicer be, the more she craves,
so down ye go, ye saucy knaves;
’tis fun to osculate the clit —
so succulent, so exquisite.
First up, ye buss her underwear —
do not advance without moisture;
and if she bids ye fair exhorts,
continue, and untruss her shorts.
Behold that lovely pubis hair
which has a scent beyond compare;
the view from here is true divine —
so worship well her holy shrine.
Now, bring thy face into her quim
and say you love her synonym;
she wants to know ye venerate
her womanliness incarnate.
If she assents, acquaint the lips
of your mouth with those in her hips;
then, give a slight vibrato from
your tongue to the place where she’ll come.
Breathe through your nose as you give head
and cosset that posh oyster bed;
go slow and subtle, note her speed —
she wants a good time, not thy seed.
Her breathing rises to and fro
with undulations down below;
her labia craves a French kiss —
this is romantic coitus.
The moisture means she’s having fun —
no one tastes fair like your loved one;
be always patient and discreet
and lick in time to her heartbeat.
Her clitoris, that nubbin of
afflatus stimulating love,
will now desire, at its peak,
a tongue that oscillates mystique.
And when ye hear a lusty yell
ye know that ye have rung her bell;
it gives ye pride to coax those moans
from deep inside her carnal zones.
Now, when her orgasm doth crest,
desist all pressure, I’d suggest;
release slowly your loving mouth
and tremble from that ‘dining south.’
Then, when she’s done, with throbs and sighs,
do nuzzle thanks upon her thighs;
and this is how to guarantee
a merry wife will loyal be.
That ‘eating pussy,’ vulgar called,
will guarantee that she’s enthralled;
aye, cunnilingus is the best —
forget thy penis, ’tis a pest!
Now, swiving, as a gen’ral thing,
proliferates couples’ offspring;
to tip the velvet’s just for joy
so pucker up, and don’t be coy.
Wortley Clutterbuck is the author of Wortley Clutterbuck’s Practical Guide to Deplorable Personages and the operetta Scuttlebutt. Recent work rejected by Granta, Paris Review, VQR and other established organs of the aristocracy. Ever since free verse originated with Parisian fops in the Belle Époque, it’s been the hereditary voice of entitled erudition. “Rhyming poetry evinces such low breeding.” Hey, intelligentsia, would you care to say as much about the hip-hop lyrics you also don’t publish? More scuttlebutt at http://wortleyclutterbuck.blogspot.com.